Take my advice - I'm clearly not using it

So having written about the value of a simple life, I had to laugh at myself today when I realised how darned busy I have been the last two days. Pair this hysterical busy-ness with a week of appalling sleep from our teething 8 month old and voila - its 8pm on a Friday night and I am already in my pyjamas and writing this from bed. On the verge of collapse, or at least tears, from exhuastion. (Yes, my husband is probably right that I am a tad melodramatic).

Why do I do this to myself? Even with the best of intentions to simplify my schedule I keep saying 'yes' and finding myself in a flurry of playdates.

I could ... should .... have postponed the back to back playdates today given the complete lack of sleep. My friends wouldn't have minded. I could have walked up the road, got a really strong takeaway coffee and headed to the library. The day could have been peaceful.

But instead this morning I frantically baked a big batch of cupcakes, organised some activities for the kids to do and tried to do the days jobs before visitors arrived 9.30. It then seemed I spent the whole day battling with Munchkin who is in a phase where she wants to 'whack' everyone and everything that frustrated her. Now, I'm behind on the washing, I don't have bags packed for our outings tomorrow and after dinner I had to quickly cook up a kilo of chicken so that it can go in the freezer before it spoils ... with Little Guy on my hip. A peaceful day would have been so much better for all involved.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the company. In fact, I crave company which is why I tend to do this to myself. But we all pay the price.

So this time, I'm taking my own advice - I'm off to sleep!

Imitation and Inner Work

Our responsibility for a true 'order' needs to extend inwards as well as outwards. Just because all that we do is imitated by children at such a deep level, we are faced with the task of being responsible for all that goes on in the childs surroundings, for our movements and gestures, for our speech but also for our inner feelings, thoughts and impulses which we may try to keep hidden. They are probably not as hidden from small children as we often believe, even if their experience of what is going on in us is not fully conscious ... Gudrun Davy

The Journey of a Mother,

Lifeways - Working with Family Questions

Mindful parenting calls on us to be better than we ever thought we could be. What we do shapes our children's worlds ... who we are shapes who they will become. This quote by Gudrun Davy really brought it home to me - if I don't like something my children are doing, I need first to look at what I am doing.

In Waldorf education, imitation is seen as the primary way that young children learn. In Steiner's own words"the little child, up to the age of seven, up to the change of teeth, is essentially imitative. He learns by doing what he sees being done around him. Fundamentally, all activities of the child's early years are imitations.

Its one thing to be aware of the example we give children with practical things - pouring milk with two hands for example, or sweeping the floor. If I am rushing, short tempered, clumsy, not concentrating ... should I be suprised when Munchkin tries to pour the milk one handed and spills it everywhere???

But the concept of imitation goes much further - we don't just teach practical skills by imitation, we teach skills of the heart. The way that I might sigh heavily as I hang up the phone, having just learned hubby is coming home late from work. The expression of frustration on my face when a shopkeeper takes too long to scan my groceries. The way I stifle a yawn when listening to a toddlers very confusing explanation of something. The way I get frazzled when the house is a mess, and rush around with gritted teeth cleaning up.

And its not enough just to put on a happy face, or to sing a song as we work, with a light voice but a heavy heart. I heard a mother say that she 'usually tries to fake a good mood' around the children, even when she doesn't feel like it. But, the problem is, children are smart. They will pick up this faking, they will learn from it, they will imitate it. As Gudrun Davy says, what is going on inside us is 'probably not as hidden from small children as we often believe'.

So where does this leave us? We are certainly not perfect, none of us are, yet this job of mothering is so impossibly hard, and critically important. Beating ourselves up isn't going to help, unless we want our children to learn that too!

In my mind, it brings me back to the importance of inner work. What do I need to do for myself to make sure I am calm, energised, focussed, happy, content?

Well, of course, Steiner had a lot of thoughts on this and gave teachers instructions on inner work. (If anyone has a specific link to this I would love to know!) Steiner stressed that meditation is absolutely the most important thing to do, but it can seem impossible when you are up late rocking a crying newborn, and up early with a fracious toddler. Even so, I find that when I discipline myself to do few minutes of focussed breathing before bed it is easier to stay calm in the chaos of the day. If I can, even just occassionally, provide an example of inner calm to imitate, that must be worth something!

I read somewhere that Steiner teachers are encouraged to be in bed by 9.00pm, sensible as we all know what a good night sleep means for both children and parents! The other exercise that Steiner teachers are encouraged to do, is as you go to sleep at night, bring each child into your minds eye and hold them in love and reverence. Give thanks for this child in your life, and see them as the spiritual beings they are. I find (and again, I wish I could say I did this every night) that this helps me to move on from the days frustrations and hurts, and to start the morning anew.

Why I love Steiner .. and why I love blogging

Really, I'm back this time. We had our baby boy in March, and now that he is four months old the fog is lifting.

While I have been away from blogland, I have been getting deeper and deeper into Steiner/Waldorf. Our brief foray into Playcentre lasted a whole six weeks, and sent me scurrying back to the pink bubble of our local Steiner playgroup.

There is a saying in meditation teachings that 'every day life is the practice', meaning that we can be great meditators when we are on retreat, but its the humdrum, repetitive life that really challenges us. Staying in the moment, keeping that same sense of calm that one has in meditation ... well that is our true work isn't it?

No more is this the case than in parenting young children. It is sacred work, often referred to as the most important job we will ever do, but its hard, often boring, and challenges us more than we can possibly imagine.

For me, the Steiner/Waldorf approach has changed the experience of being at home with young children in every way. It can lift everyday life into something magical, something special.
Today, we see 'stay at home' mums who are really 'stay at playgroup or stay at cafe' mums, and massive pressure to put children into daycare younger and younger to ensure they are stimulated and socialised. Yet, young children desperately need a strong and healthy homelife. Being carted around here there and everywhere is not great for little kiddies, and everywhere we see the results of this.

The Steiner/Waldorf approach challenges many of the sacred cows of modern parenting. Less is more ... less stimulation, less activity, less talking, less toys, less media, less pressure. Lots of time to just be, be at home with mum, to be a child.

Now I'm desperate to get back to some writing and ranting about all this stuff ... and thank you everyone who emailed me asking how and where I was while I was away ... I missed you all.

My Waldorfy Playcentre Dream

My visit to Playcentre really has had my thinking about what my ideal ECE experience would be for Munchkin.

I love the fact that parents stay with the children at Playcentre most of the time, and the level of involvement and influence parents have there.

I love the free play aspect of Playcentre – having all the areas of play available, all the time. So if Munchkin wants to do nothing but play with clay, all session for a whole term – she can.

I love the community aspect of Playcentre – working closely with other local mums running what is effectively a complete early childhood centre – and developing that community for Munchkin.

But … I love the beauty and rhythm of Steiner. I love the simple handcrafted toys. I love the singing. I love the focus on healthy organic food and care for the environment. And most of all I love the other mums. As a group they are gentle, patient, kind, thoughtful and committed. The Steiner ‘culture’ is where I want Munchkin to be during these early years.

So if I had my way, I would set up a Steiner/Waldorf Playcentre. I’m sure the Steiner purists out there might have a few issues with this, and some of my ideas might have Gwen Somerset turning in her grave - but just indulge me.

We’d find a lovely big section somewhere, preferably surrounded by forest and some hills. We’d build a beautiful big log cabin, with a communal kitchen and a pot belly stove. We’d have a little garden area for the older children to grow some veggies, (and so we can have a compost of course),

Inside, we would set up areas of play, and arrange the space so that the quieter activities have slightly enclosed spaces for children to play in. There would be a books corner, with the Gerda Muller books, some simple fairy tales, and New Zealand classics like Hairy Maclary, The Kuia and the Spider and Who Sank the Boat.

There would be a table set up for beeswax modeling, another set up with beeswax crayons. There would be a painting station set up, as well as a finger painting table so the kids could get plain old messy. And there would be home made playdough at another table, with a few wooden rolling pins, dough stamps and cutters.

Of course, there would be a family play area with beautiful Waldorf dolls, a wooden stove and sink, some cradles and pushchairs. We’d have lots of blocks and a selection of puzzles. (As an aside, why are puzzles not a Steiner thing?)

The communal kitchen would have some low benches and quality children’s baking equipment, so that the children could help with baking the bread for the morning tea. Perhaps in afternoon sessions we would make pikelets or scones instead. Either way, we’d do some baking every day.

Outside, there would be an extensive wooden playground, some trees for climbing, grass for running and a trickling water feature set into a slope for water play. Oh, and a huge sandpit of course, filled with spades and spoons and buckets and sit on diggers.

While free play would be the order of the day, we would have a little more ‘rhythm’ than a Playcentre session.

The sessions would start with a communal ‘circle time’. Not compulsory - some children prefer to stay back - I have seen this often at playgroup. But after a few sessions even the shyest child starts to come to circle time. We would sing a welcome song and some finger play songs like ‘where is thumbkin’ and ‘open shut them’.

I also really believe in the value of a shared morning tea. My understanding of the Playcentre philosophy is that children’s play shouldn’t be interrupted, and children should be free to come and get their food when they wish. But I see how much children love the rituals of eating together – putting out the placemats and the glasses, sitting down to hold hands and sing a blessing, and the excitement when the buns are unveiled. Of course, if a child is hungry at another time during the session they should of course get a snack. And if a child does not want to join the morning tea then that should be respected. But a shared morning tea is an important ritual.

At the end of the session we would have a short ‘story time’ with a parent acting out a very brief puppet play with felted dolls and some play silks to create the scene. At our playgroup, when all the children are worn out from a mornings playing this seems a lovely way to wind down before getting in cars or pushchairs to go back home.

As with Playcentre (and with my experience of Steiner) parent education would be extremely important. We would have a well stocked adult library with a range of books – You Are Your Child’s First Teacher, Creative Play for your Baby, A range of La Leche League Publications, Magic Places and other Playcentre books.

So, who’s with me? What would you add, or change to this? Even if it will only ever exist in my imagination, my Waldorfy Playcentre is a lovely place to visit!

Work doesn't work for me

Over at Rocks in My Dryer Shannon is having a 'what doesn't work for me Wednesday'.

It seemed particularly pertitent this week. Life has hit a new level of mania this week. My 'part time from home' job has turned into deadline central with urgent phone calls and emails from early in the morning till late at night. I was even taking calls and texting during playgroup today. Everything has suffered.

Quite simply, work isn't working for me. Work is pulling me in too many different directions. Its scattering my energies between different clients, different reports, different deadlines. I don't dare take a minute to tidy my desk or even write a to-do lists, practices that I used to hold sacred. My proverbial saw is blunt.

I have been re-reading Buddhism for Mothers, which Nikki suggested I should turn to. I need to stop rushing, and start focussing on being mindful. When I'm working I need to work. When I am not working, I need to develop the confidence to turn my cell phone off, close the computer down, and be a mum.

Working from home, splitting child care with Hubby, both of us working less than full time - this is supposed to be the post feminist nirvana. But, more and more I'm realising, it just doesn't work for me.

Now, this is a rather desperate sounding Works For Me Wednesday, so cheer yourselves up and head over to http://rocksinmydryer.typepad.com/shannon/ for some more cheerful links!